I want to see and talk to my Mom, one more time. There is so much I didnt say.

I can not believe I have to write this. I lost my Mom on Christmas Morning. The lady who gave me life, is gone forever. I was not even home yet. I was staying at my girlfriends parents house and was preparing to spend the week after Christmas in Wichita with my Mom and the rest of my family. I have grown up more in the last week, than I have in 34 years of life. I always took for granted that my Mother would be there. I shouldn't have. We almost lost her 2 Mothers Day ago. Did I make it home for Mothers Day the net year? Nope. When my long lost daughter called and found my Mom, when I was too chicken shit to return my own child call. I told my Mom, so rudely to leave it alone until I could deal with it. I told Chelsea, My Mom is going to FUCK THIS UP. She went home and locked herself in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried and she spent the next 2 months, talking to my little girl Brianna always wondering if the rug would be pulled out again. Wondering if I was going to walk out on Brianna again. I am so ashamed of myself. Will I ever get over this? Mom did not have a good life. She was moody. She also had 17 screws torqued into her back in a botched back surgery 4 or 5 years ago. I was in Hawaii at the time, while my Mom was under for 10 hours. Grandma said " I am glad you weren't here for that, you wouldn't have done well" The truth is, I never wanted to be there. I took her and everyone else for granted. I always took for granted that Grandma took care of everything. All my Mom wanted from her 2 sons was to be loved. I am so mad at the way my brother Brian dealt with the funeral and the family, he was so cruel and distant. Not in the strong way, but in the horrible way. I really hate him. Mom dies Christmas morning, we bury her the day before her 53rd birthday then He leaves for Seattle to be in time for New Years Eve. He had pictured posted online the next day. My mom rots in a cold box and he is out partying. I know he is wrong and i Need HIM to be wrong. But I see that its me: ITS ME. I am just as guilty, I was a bad son. There is so much more I need to write and I will.